Danaye Reinhardt

I have this image that if I don’t succeed now, I’ll be a failure forever.

There’s an urgency to it. Get that website off the ground. Start promoting your work now, even before you’ve finished anything. Write that novel—first draft, second draft, third, fourth—before you hit 25.

Ironic, because I am a notoriously slow writer.

I’ve felt this way for a long time. Even when I was 14, 15, I’d research writing advice and get this hurricane of information saying that it’s never too early to establish yourself as a writer. I read dozens of success stories of teen writers; they knew what they wanted and went for it. Believed in themselves. Flicked away the self-doubt sitting on their shoulder.

Self-doubt, for me, crouches heavily on my shoulder like a gargoyle. He’s giving me scoliosis. I can feel him when I sit down to write, or when I’m listening to my “~character vibes~” playlist on Spotify, or when I think for one second about what’s next in my life. On my other shoulder, of course, is the voice that doesn’t know how much I even want this.

Part of being in your 20s is learning what you’d like in a job and what would drive you crazy. These days, I think I would go crazy if I had to sit in front of a computer all day, every day, writing.

I do know that I’m not giving up this part of myself. My goal is to traditionally publish a novel, not for the sake of checking it off my bucket list but because I believe I have some semblance of talent here. I want people to see that. I want to prove it to myself that I’ve got it in me. And because “‘We pride ourselves in the swiftness of our justice system,’ he said, and he pulled out a handgun and pointed it at my head” is a killer line, frankly.

I’ve got time. If I was 60 and some dumb 24-year-old said anything about running out of time, I’d probably kick them. And, really, if all I ever do is write for myself—never publishing anything, never sharing a word—I’d consider that a success, too. Writing is fulfilling to me (don’t forget frustrating and painful at times) and a hobby can stay just that.

But before I get to that point, I want to give it everything I’ve got. Take that, gargoyle. I’m coming for you.